Changes

I am writing yet another post for Liz, hoping to inspire her to some sort of writing.............

I have been thinking a lot lately and not talking much. I have made myself a list of people I need to call back. My phone messages have included people who are worried, think I am mad, and a few annoyed messages from my sister in law who probably is certain I am avoiding her. I am fine, just contemplative. No one is used to me doing anything but talking incessantly. I just get tired of talking.

I guess most of my thinking is about a man (sometimes a big boy) who I think is the only person I have ever loved for any of the right reasons. I have loved him for about five years, although I didn't always know it. There was initially lots of drama and some periods of silence. Hell, who am I kidding, I gave him the silent treatment frequently for awhile. I knew he would always be there though and never stay mad. He isn't mad now but I am or I was. I think I am over it. I forced myself to move on and he was not thrilled. However, more months passed than ever before and he has moved on or mostly moved on. He seems to miss our friendship and to think that it could still be. I cannot be his friend because I love him too much to put myself through that. It has never worked, the just friends thing, for us. Whenever I see him (far too often because of our jobs) he has to tell me all this stuff that he has clearly been saving up to tell me. It always breaks my heart a little because he seems to miss me so much but he wasn't willing to make the changes I needed him to make. I am finally less bitter and I think I am over the drama and his inability to make me happy. What I struggle with is the loss of a best friend. He knows everything about me. I know that the love and the best friend cannot be separated in this instance but it doesn't make it easier. I am proud of myself though for not trying to be his friend and twisting myself in ways I cannot bend.

My friend and coworker lost her husband last week. I cannot imagine what she must be going through. She is the nicest person alive. My other coworker teases her about possessing the "niceness gene" all the time. She is young and this must be awful, not that it isn't awful when you are old. He came to the funeral (above mentioned) and I got some really strange looks because he sat with me (he didn't really know anyone else there) and my other coworkers. People asked if I was upset about it. I knew he was coming and I was actually proud of him. I love it when he presents the person he really is. We all work in the same community and while he mainly knows my friend because of me, he was in a way, representing his office by being there. I have to admit that I felt a small sense of loss while sitting there with him at a funeral. I kept thinking about how I felt and how my friend's loss was so much greater. I cannot imagine.

The past few weeks and even months, have been like this. Uncertain, sad, and I guess unknown.