Wednesday, September 28, 2011

For Who Am I

Am I who I think I am? Will I ever be satisfied? I know that life isn't perfect and I know mine is pretty good by most standards. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy really..although feel like I'm missing something and its not family or friends or a good job..I even have a meaningful and good job.

I have thought for a long time that its a relationship I'm missing..a lasting one..but sometimes I just don't know. Maybe I like the idea....of never having to go to things alone or do everything alone..but then I think..gosh I miss being alone. So perhaps I am the person who will never be satisfied with anything? I refuse to accept that... My therapist told me I should do things I enjoy, explore new things, run a race, travel..I have done that..not that there aren't things I want to do still but I have explored more hobbies and done my own thing more than most. I have educated myself, taken yoga and Spanish and dancing. I have run races including a marathon, half marathon and a trail race that nearly killed me :). I have tried to teach myself to play poker and darts..I have and will try anything..that doesn't involve heights or too much danger. I volunteer and I find that rewarding most of th time. I sew and do crafty crap..I rollerblade, hike, travel...dared myself to go skiing last year..although since college it makes me nervous. I have planned outings left and right, new and old. I am enjoying it all....I mostly have it

I'm not greedy..I don't need excitement constantly and I'm too old for drama..I have had great opportunities and I have great friends. one of the few things I wish I made more time here we are. Reading was the other..and I'm back to that..

Maybe..I am one of those my aunt..who won't ultimately want to be with someone..I hate that thought..but why is it such a pain in the ass to be with anyone....Maybe my choices are the issue? My mom says I should have been a Vet (despite my lack of affection for animals) because I find people with issues and try to fix them. Maybe..but what she doesn't understand is I'm so tired of that. Everyone has issues..yes..but I don't want to be anyone's savior...not anymore.

I think what is often not acknowledged...I loved him and didn't know for a long time he needed saving...and I didn't know until recently..just how much he needed saving. I think I have moved beyond that and allowing it to cripple me..but I that I've worked through the self doubt, sabotage and feelings for "him", am I just broken? Did he break me after helping me fix me? Do I feel nothing now? I mean I feel stuff but not in that I want a relationship and want to deal with your bag of crap way..more like I want to be bothered only a little, and don't want to hear about your issues too much.

Is this who I that I'm less of a work in progress? Or now that I'm mostly patched and reformed..did I let him break the parts that weren't broken? The hope, the faith, the light? Is this who I am?

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